A Lady Luck Love Affair

And it hits me, hard yet soft, a sudden realization that is only beginning to dawn; the truth I’ve so long avoided. No matter what I do, I’ll be yours. No matter the distance, no matter the reason, the space, the time, I’m yours. You’ve got this hold on me, and it won’t stop. Your grip isn’t hard, it isn’t rough, but it’s persistent, everlasting. It’s like you’ve left a mark, branded me with your initials, for all to see.

It matters not where I go, they all know. It’s like they see you on me, behind me, ever-present, a constant reminder of your influence. You’re inescapable, and it’s inevitable that I’ll return. It’s not what I feel I want…but that realization continues to sink in, and I realize it doesn’t matter. I’m yours no matter what.

I begin to feel that I’ll never love another same; that I can’t experience the same anywhere else than with you. It begins to sink in that everything will pale in comparison to you, that no other will have your luster. Never will I experience that luster again, a gleam in your eye that I’ll never see but with you. No teeth will ever shine like yours; no hair will ever hold your soft, lustrous sheen. It pains me to know this, to know that I will forever compare others to you…I fear that none will ever meet the standards you’ve pressed upon me. It begins to worry me that the bar has been set too high, an unattainable standard of perfection.

Yet you are not perfect; far from perfect at that. I know your flaws in and out. I’m able to read them like a map, follow them like streets taking me home, eyes closed, no guidance needed. I know your greed, I know the corruption in your nature, I know your predisposition to the forbidden, the desire to break free, your fancy of legal disregard. It’s normal for me to see others lust after you, yearn to pay you visit. I’ve accepted these flaws, resolved not to judge them. The realization hits again, like a shot quickly downed, and my body warms as I realize I love these flaws.

These flaws make your mark, your curse, bearable. To prove that I am able to live through them all, to prove I’ve made it away from you alive, it’s a mark of honor. I know many who have come before me that have fallen prey to your enticements, many whom you’ve gotten to share in your revelry, but not I. I left you, one of few. I’ve seen you drag them down, seen the damage you can do. I’ve watched you harm my family, subtly and overtly, despite my sincerest wishes. But for the time, we are separated, and it will be my choice to return. You may call me, may hold me captive from afar, but you do not control. You mark me, you designate me a puppet, but I’m cutting the strings.

But this realization, this unending, ceaseless realization seeps back to me; I realize some strings can’t be cut. You’re my home, my safety. I feel at ease with you. I know you so well, a knowledge without secrets. Our connection can’t be ended…without it, I don’t know who I am. Your mark, your near-visible curse, is a definition of self; a tattoo seen only by the knowing, those of the same fate. They understand what your embrace means, how incomparable it is, how no other’s comes close. Only those who have loved you as I have understand how you can help one to grow, how you can inspire, how you demean, how you revolutionize, how you push. Those who share your seal know what it means to be one of your denizens.

So I thank you. I’m gracious for the ever present reminder of our time together; I wear it with pride. I will tell anyone who asks of how you treated me; how you showed me the ropes others won’t learn for years. I’ll tell them of how you helped me grow up, mature in ways I never knew possible. I’ll tell all of how you taught me pain, and how I’m all the better for it. They’ll know how you brought me to my demons, and delivered me from them. I won’t skip on the accidents, the adventures, the memories that have defined a lifetime. Rather, I’ll dwell on them, letting all who listen know of my love for you. Then, they’ll understand why no other will be the same, why no other will comfort me as you. They will come to see why I love you like I’ve never loved another.