Tonight after dinner, the family and I discussed a few things. Nothing too out of the ordinary, just a recap of the day’s events really. After all Walmart always prompts quite a few interesting conversations, especially when you hate the store.
WARNING: These topics aren’t for those who are easily offended, have a modest sense of humor, or are of weak moral fortitude. Just so you know.
First, we discussed the impending doom of cholesterol. Not in the, oh dear, you might have a heart attack, you should eat some cheerios and work out kind of way. Nobody cares about that. But everyone cares about their sex life. Because as the Levitra commercial taught us, cholesterol could line the walls of your urethra (assuming you’re male), causing erectile dysfunction. If you watch the commercial, you’ll see a plague looking (read: cholesterol) lining along the sides of the veins. Thus, it can be inferred that if you eat crappily and have shitty genes, you’re going to get E.D. Here’s to hoping you won the genetic lottery and can afford enough cheerios to keep knocking boots.
Secondly, we talked about the girl with the vagina lips. While at Walmart buying a myriad of crap and Thanksgiving supplies, we saw the girl with the vagina lips. My aunt Beth has a kickboxing class with her, so she’s nothing new. More of a freak annoyance to be honest. As we’re walking down the face/makeup aisle for about the 18th time (I shit you not, we could not find the damn Burt’s Bee’s facial stuff), suddenly we saw her. Tall, yet oblivious of her surroundings, this unique specimen was unaware of the atrocity that resides on her face. We could have escaped and laughed an aisle over, had my grandma not loudly said, “the LIPS,” making a sneaky escape near impossible. This caused Beth to nearly plow us into the next aisle, hoping to save some face. After all, nobody wants to catch the dreaded vag lips disease. You know you wouldn’t. This then spawned a discussion of how unfortunate this girl’s life must be. Hell, it must really suck to look like walking genitalia.
This then spawned a discussion about cholesterol preventing any sort of vaginal action, just as cholesterol will eventually ruin a man’s penis. Wouldn’t that suck? I mean, take the case of vagina lip girl. One, your face makes it feel like every day is Halloween. Two, you can’t use your real hoo hah. Damn, I’m glad I’m not her. I mean really, her life already sucks, and its only going to get worse.
Finally, we ranted about how racist Walmart is. I still haven’t gotten over the fact that 4 out of the 5 scholarships Walmart offered when I was entering for college could only be applied for by minorities. But they were supposed to based off merit. I still haven’t figured out how that one works. But on a more modern note, Beth and I were wandering around the Christmas decorations, when we saw the angel tree toppers. Apparently, Walmart now makes both a white and a colored angel. Only one non-white angel; I guess all races just have to share. Seriously…wtf? I’m all for equality, but if you’re going to do it, be equal across the board. I did find it funny though that the white angel had more than one outfit, but the black one only got one. Oh Walmart, you racist bastards.
No comments:
Post a Comment