Pillar

My latest writing piece. No particular person in mind when this was written. Comments and critiques gladly accepted.

"Pillar"

You didn’t see, but I could hardly hold myself together that day. The pillar you lean on nearly crumbled; this pillar nearly fell to your feet. But you were oblivious. A look to your smile, that beaming countenance, was all it took to reel myself back in. Your joy was all it took to keep my spine from slivering away. I had tried to let you know I didn’t want to be there, but it never worked. Time and time again I wanted to let you know that this was the farthest thing from what I wanted, but I couldn’t. You had me.


So I smiled back, hoping to match your easy happiness, that careless joy that seemed so intrinsic to you. I’ve never been able to name exactly what that characteristic was or how you maintained it, but it held me in rapture. That “thing” so deeply ingrained in you was why I was even there. It was the reason why I went against everything I want, to support you in an endeavor I despised. Your damn smile held me there with its mesmerizing stare.

Your hug snapped me out of my reverie, long enough to be brought back to the present and away from all the memories. All the nights spent out, or simply laughing in pjs, or the morning afters with the cheap breakfasts. Or all the days in between. Your touch took me away from the memories of a happier time for me to the present that was killing me. It was near electric, filling with a tingle I felt only with you. Nobody else seemed to compare – you were just that perfect.

We let go and you looked me dead in the eyes, somehow making me feel like you could see my thoughts. For a fleeting second I thought you could see the images flashing through my mind; for a despairingly quick second I thought you finally understood. Until you opened your mouth, that damned charming mouth, and asked if I was really okay with this. With you there, so close, so honestly sincere, so involved in my thoughts, I could say nothing but yes. A final, quick hug and you were off. Your goodbye hardly reached my ears as you took off towards the car, smiles, laughs, and joy abound.

It wasn’t until you stopped responding to the texts or until the calls always ended in voicemails that I realized you had meant goodbye when you said it. There was a reason you didn’t look back to say it. It wasn’t until you completely shut me out electronically that I realized you had burned our bridge that day. Only then did I understand that you asked me what I felt that way, so close, so friendly because you knew my answer already. You needed me to be the bad guy, the one who had agreed.

You were done with me. The guy who had been your rock, your support and shelter, had long outdated his purpose. The last thing I could do for you was be your scapegoat, the reason for your escape. But you screwed up. You didn’t cut all the ties. You left, with my heartstrings in your hand, still playing puppet master. Things may be over to you, but I’m still yours. You still hold me in your hand, putty to be molded. Everyone else may see our building as collapsed and fallen into ruin, but not me. I see it as a lone pillar standing tall amongst the ruble, waiting to be the support again. I need you to return with a hammer, a mallet, tools.

I don’t just need you to return with your sledgehammer in hand. I need you to come back, and clear away the ruble, blast and clear it all away so we can rebuild. Or I need you to knock me down, break me into pieces, and leave me to fade away. I’ll stand for you ‘til the end of time, but only if you’ll stand with me. A pillar is nothing without a building to support.